April 1, 2025
April Fool’s edition
1. So now they are selling microdosed beverages. What happened to the good old days when you walked to the back of a sketchy candy store and bought a dime bag? I do not want alcohol alternatives. I want alcohol, fizzy if possible! How do I know if I had a good time unless I’m a bit hung over?
2. Signalgate. Watergate on steriods, except there will be no accountability.
3. So now the ads on FB are for stores that are going out of business... everything must go! There is a long missive about the tragedy of the closure and you must shop now or miss your chance. Just stop it. I was going to say who is stupid enough to believe all these stores are going out of business and then I answered my own question.
4. There are two really important elections today. I hope they go our way.
5. I spoke to Dolores (Dolores Ashcroft-Nowicki for those who do not know!) yesterday. I asked her to please work a Trump-related spell. She told me I was too late. She started that a month ago!
April 7, 2025
Nameless edition
1. All bakers should be on high alert. This is not a drill. There is a 45% tariff on Madagascar. Make sure you have enough vanilla and cinnamon. What did Madagascar ever do to us? And you know I love you all, but stay out of my cupboards. All extract thieves will not be tolerated!
2. I swear, if I ever hear any one say “in levels we’ve never seen before” again I’m going to scream. I might scream anyway. Wait… where are my edibles?!
3. Can we please stop talking about Hunter Biden? I can list all the usual reasons, but you already know them. All I can say is those pictures MTG held up honestly made me have a crush on him. Hey don’t judge me. He’s good looking and comes from a really nice family.
4. Speaking of MTG, she posted on social media that her son was turning 22 and everyone should buy him a beer. She listed his Venmo account. There was backlash and the post has since been removed, but really? Millionaire bitch can’t buy her boy a beer? The grift gets more and more shameless.
5. Have you listened to NPR’s Tiny Desk Concert. DEVO did one. I highly recommend it.
6. Many of the people who were wrongfully terminated from their government jobs were reinstated. Although they are getting paid they have been blocked from returning to their jobs. Wasn’t Elon accusing them of getting paid and not doing their jobs! What an asshole.
7. Can we bring all of the wrongfully deported home. I’m ok with there being a trade for MAGA republicans in the House and Senate. We can start with Mike Johnson. Oh how I’d like to see how he does in a cage in El Salvador.
8. Mercury has finally gone direct!! Woo Hoo!!
April 15, 2025
Jackie Robinson edition
1. Yay Harvard!! That’s how its done! I will let the Harvard President speak for himself.
“No government - regardless of which party is in power - should dictate what private universities can teach, whom they can admit and hire, and which areas of study and inquiry they can pursue.” — Harvard President, Alan Garber
2. Because JD Vance only has awkward moments, he fumbled and broke Ohio State’s championship trophy during White House visit. Just to make it better, it happened while the U.S. Marine Band played “We Are the Champions.”
3. Linda MacMahon, while discussing the dismantling of the Department of Education once again proved why it is necessary. She was discussing training students in modern technology and referred to AI as A1! (That’s HP sauce for my UK friends). Then she said that kids are like sponges, they absorb everything. Oh the places my twisted mind is going.
4. I would really like it if New Jersey would do something about its cloud cover. I really wanted to see the pink moon. And yes, I know it wasn’t really pink!
5. There is a NY Met whose last name is Siri. When the commentator says his name it activates Siri on my phone!
6. Why is everything in billions and trillions? Not that I will ever see a million dollars in my lifetime, but I miss hearing about it!
7. Michael Cohen called Caroline Levitt Bullshit Barbie. Thank you Michael. I needed the laugh.
8.Oh Bill Maher, 47 totally played you. Good job being part of the gas lighting machine. I never much liked you. You seemed like a sleazy guy who would tell a woman you loved her and then crept out in the middle of the night, leaving a counterfeit $100 on the dresser. Having said that, I never thought you were stupid, until now.
9. On 9/11 Cantor Fitzgerald lost 600 employees in the blink of an eye. Why am I bringing this up now? Because the CEO at the time was Howard Lutnick. The Trump regime, including Lutnick, are severely cutting a healthcare program for first responders affected by the 9/11 attacks.
April 19, 2025
Passover/Easter edition
1. I have been chastised for misspelling Karoline Leavitt’s name. All past references will be corrected. But in my defense I get Karoline Leavitt and Pam Bondi confused. Let’s face it, everything about this regime confuses me.
2. Lets add to the confusion, shall we? Don Jr is promoting Enhanced Games. Let me get this straight... trans athletes are a problem, but juicing athletes to have an unfair advantage is not a problem
3. Candace Owens thinks that it’s important to be black without being ghetto. She also thinks that science is a pagan faith. I think the real problem is using the phrase “Candace Owens thinks”
4. Yesterday was Eggs Benedict Day and cheese ball day! I know I’ve got a snarky comment for this but it hasn’t surfaced yet, probably because I’m trying to come up with a weird hybrid recipe!
5. 47 said Jimmy Carter died a happy man because he was no longer the worst president, Biden was. Clearly he left his own name off of that list.
6. Random Alan Moore quote from his book Jerusalem — “Once you’ve had vertebrate there’s no return, and once you look at something with a backbone there is no looking back. You’re only young, so you won’t understand all of this, but trust me. I’m the devil, and I know whereof I speak.”
April 21, 2025
RIP Pontiff edition
1. Remember the good old days when you could tell truth from satire? I do and I hope those return soon, but until then...
2. JD Vance was ghosted by the pope (he sent his assistant). He said hello and then left before the promised meeting. Then he died. I’m not saying JD Vance had anything to with it, but he did eviscerate a trophy meant to honor Ohio State’s championship season. No icons are safe.
3. On a more serious note, thank the gods that Kilmar Abrego Garcia is still alive. Now can we get him back on American soil? It’s not about innocence or guilt, it’s about due process you jackasses! I think it would be appropriate to trade him for JD Vance. Think of the lives that would be saved.
4. The White House shared a doctored photograph of Kilmar Abrego Garcias hand showing “gang tattoos”. Come on... you guys are all fucking billionaires, you couldn’t hire a competent Photoshop artist to facilitate the fake image. Not all things can be faked by putting Sharpie to paper.
5. I keep getting ads in my news feed for vacation travel to Greenland. I suppose I’d consider it if I had a spare $13,000. Even though I enjoy brisk weather, I think I’d like to try Alaska or even Iceland first and work my way towards surviving sub zero temperatures.
6. I thought that Benjamin Franklin wanted the turkey to be the national bird. The story is a myth. He did write a letter criticizing the bald eagle design on the Great Seal, suggesting it looked more like a turkey. It’s ironic then, that the entire current administration is a bunch of turkeys.
7. Pete Hegseth said he hasn’t washed his hands in nearly 10 years. He says that germs are not a real thing. If you can’t see them they’re not real. I wish this were true for him.
8. Pete also has a loose interpretation of the five second rule. He has eaten various foods off the floor on air when he was on FOX. Except for having to crunch on a few pieces of whatever you might on the bottom of a dogs paw, there was an unfortunate hair incident. Totally grossing out his co-hosts he happily munched on a bagel that landed cream cheese side down. No information about what kind of hair it was.
9. HAPPY BIRTHDAY IGGY POP!
April 25, 2025
WTF edition
1. Trump posted on Truth Social begging Vladamir Putin to STOP the bombing of the Ukraine. Let me get this straight, this asshole thinks he can end a war with the same technique that I use to stop unwanted sales txts? We are so fucked.
2. On hold for Medicaid for mom. My cue position is 30. One hour later my cue position is one. What does it say about me that this does in no way seem reasonable,on the contrary, it is better than I thought it would be. Oops, I spoke to soon. Just as I was ready for the sound of a human voice I so longed for, they disconnected me. Godot comes to mind.
3. We may as well give Pete Hegseth a bullhorn and stop pretending that he has any idea what he’s doing. His bro boasting is going to cause a duck and cover situation.
4. How do you order an Irish coffee in London? Asking for a friend!
5. Why is it currently bad to be a troll? Current definitions aside, to me a troll is a tiny doll with crazy hair and pictures of horseshoes on the soles of their little plastic feel!
6. Why does Trump always refer to himself in the third person? Why worry about putting two giant flagpoles on the White House lawn? So many whys!
7. Speaking of 47, he is so good at folding that I want to put him in my linen closet to help me with my fitted sheet situation.
8. Katy Perry went off planet. Unfortunately she returned.
9. As usual, as if it were scripted, there was too much cloud cover to see the astronomical smiley face.
10. Trump wore a blue suit to the Popes funeral. If I were him I wouldn’t make myself so easy to pick out in a crowd when God is so close by.
April 30, 2025
My Birthday/First 100 Days Edition
1. I made millionaire Rice Krispie treats. It’s possible I am an evil genius?
2. Changing the name of NY Penn Station to Trump Station if he pays for the renovations? Fuck no!!!
3. Pierre Poilevre not only lost the election but he was voted out of his seat in Parliament. Way to go Canada!!! Australia, will you follow suit?
4. Lindsey Graham is excited to hear that Trump was open to the idea of being the next pope. I can see it now, Diet Coke and McNuggets for communion!
5. NYC is replacing the old subway turnstiles with modern electronic gates to cut down on fare evasion. Sure, its been a while since I could jump a turnstile, but I was holding it as a future goal!
6. Scott Bessent is the Kellyann Conway of Trump 2.0. Instead of alternative facts we have sub and bespoke deals. Honestly I don’t know how they all don’t burst into flames!
7. I know I’ve seen Jeff Bezos standing erect, but I don’t know how as he has no spine. After announcing it would be listing tariff hikes so people would know how they raised prices, 47 threatened him and he folded. He’s kissed the ring, he kissed his ass, where will he be kissing him next?
8. Trump had a rally in Michigan. He’s not campaigning so why is he having rallies? He announced that he’s gotten rid of paper straws, saved gas stoves, and thank the gods the water pressure will be restored in showers and toilets! Oddly enough there was no mention of the Americans being illegally deported
9. Tommy Vietor of Pod Save America called Stephen Miller PeeWee German. Not as good as Bullshit Barbie but very close!
10. I hate to be a Debbie Downer, but do your shopping now. No goods coming into the US. Truckers are losing their jobs. They are calling it the Summer of Scarcity. Oy.
11. The good news is people are fighting back, even republicans are fighting back. Ok they are doing it for the wrong reasons, but at this point I don ‘t care.
12. Everyone please follow me on Substack. It’s free and it makes me feel like I’m not talking to myself!
13. Everyone listen to the Meidas Touch Network, Legal AF, Brian Tyler Cohen, Adam Mockler and Pod Save America. Words Matter. Truth Matters more than ever.